Russiastasia
by ayumipants
Summary: Ivan Braginski has lost his memory, and his only clue is a mysterious pendant that says, "MARRIED in Paris." Is he really the great Russia? Anastasia parody, so much crack it borders on methamphetamine. T for only the most eloquent of word choices.
1. Prolouge: MARRIED in Paris

A/N: This was inspired by a movie poster I created based on Anastasia, which you may view on my deviant gallery of art. Please do, it's quite odd. Anyways, this is a Hetalia parody of the aforementioned movie, and shall be updated regularly, unlike my 2 other shitty fanfictions. There are lots of characters, so don't be concerned if your favorite doesn't pop up immediately.

SPECIAL THANKS TO MY AWESOME FRIEND OF AWESOME FOR LIKE, BEING AWESOME AND WRITING THIS IN THE CAR WITH ME.

Also, you don't really have to have watched Anastasia to find this funny, but it sort of helps I suppose. Have fun!

**xXx**

Russia begrudgingly made his way up the stairs that led to Belarus' throne, for he was about to 'celebrate' his unwilling engagement to her.

"HEY BROTHER," Belarus screamed, clawing at Russia like always.

"D-don't call me that. What… What do you want! What do you want with me!"

"SINCE WE'LL BE MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED SOON, MY WELL ENDOWED SERVANT-COMBINATION-SISTER HAS A GIFT FOR YOU."

Russia felt slightly happier. He rather liked his sister, for two _very_ good reasons. They could hear Ukraine coming from around the corner to bring Russia his gift. Boing boing boing boing.

"OH HELLO MS. MELLONS," said Belarus, as she promptly shoved her face into Ukraine's Grand Canyon-like cleavage.

"Please stop doing that." Ukraine cried, as she pushed her sisters face out of her mammalian protrusions. "Russia, I have a gift for you! It's a scarf I made! You must put it on to see if it fits~!"

Russia happily accepted the scarf made with love from the well-endowed woman and put it on.

"This fits really well, Mary Mammaries."

"Don't call me that!" Ukraine bawled, and ran out of the ballroom, making the ballroom's band change tempo with every bounce of her bosom.

Belarus could see that Russia was not paying enough attention to his future wife, so she decided to break out _her_ expensive gift.

"RUSSIA TAKE THIS PENDANT FROM ME AND WE WILL GET MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED!"

Russia reluctantly reached for the dangling necklace and read the words upon it.

"MARRIED in Paris."

"Why is it in Paris?" Russia mused to himself, but decided it was best not to ask, for that might require the author to actually think of a good reason to why the wedding would be there.

Without warning, a cloud of campy-ness descended upon the guests.

"Why is there suddenly a unicorn by the punch bowl?" asked Russia, as Belarus wordlessly threw a knife at it, spilling its blood into the aforementioned beverage.

The doors opened with a burst of eyebrow as the famed evil sorcerer England sauntered into the hall, Flying Mint Bunny upon his shoulder.

"Oh, HAAAAAAY BUDDY! Want some puuuunncchhshss?" said an obviously drunk America, who will defiantly show up later in the story so this totally isn't a cameo or anything.

England huffed in agreement, as he was oft to do, and glanced over at the punch bowl with a sparkling, rainbow corpse draped over it. England gasped in horror and ran over to his imaginary creature, clutching its soft, fake fur.

"No! No! Berwald! Speak to me!"

Berwald opened its mouth pathetically and unicorn-ly. "I… I have the same… voice actor as… France…" it croaked out, before gasping, and becoming one with the big rainbow in the sky.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" England screamed, before turning to face the crowd. "Who… Who has done such a terrible thing? Show yourself!"

Belarus raises her hand, obviously not paying attention to whatever the hell is going on. England glares at her, positioning his eyebrows in the evilest way he is capable of.

"You and your family shall pay! All of you are doomed!" England screams, making a chandelier fall down on Sealand because fuck it, that's why.

And as soon as England appeared, he was gone, and the cloud of campy-ness with him.

"Hmm," Russia thought to himself. "England seems really powerful and over-exaggerated. I must make him one with me later~! After he gets rid of Belarus of course."

**xXx**

Confusion shook the palace, as England's plan to defeat Belarus' family using his imaginary friends went swimmingly. Belarus ran to fetch Russia from his communist-flavored room, for he had left his dear scarf in there.

"BROTHER! WE HAVE TO GET OUT. TINKERBELL IS IMMUNE TO MY KNIVES."

"Ah, Belarus, if you lick my wallpaper, it tastes like Proletarians!"

Belarus proceeds to do so, despite Captain Hook scratching on the door with increasing urgency.

"I LIKE THE BOURGEOIS BETTER WHEN PICKLED. NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, IT'S TOO LATE TO GET OUT NOW."

It was then that Lithuania kicked open a wall with as much badassery as he could muster, which isn't much.

"Ah! Ms. Belarus! Mr. Russia! Please leave through the servants quarters!"

Belarus agreed and began to drag Russia with her through the hole in the wall. Russia struggled, but it was no match for her iron grip.

"Wait, Belarus! I forgot my scarf!"

"IT'S TOO LATE. YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM TITANIUM TITS ANYWAYS."

Russia screamed as Lithuania closed the door behind them, ready to defend the two against the horror of Peter Pan characters. Instead of Captain Hook bursting through the door like Lithuania expected, it was a bear shark with lasers.

"Oh fu-"

And Lithuania was promptly bear-shark-lasered. He fainted to the ground, his hand landing in a forshadow-y way over Russias forgotten scarf.

**xXx**

Russia and Belarus ran across a lake that was somehow there and nearby for no explainable reason when they were stopped by England and Flying Mint Bunny.

"Haha! You fools thought you could run! It is useless!" England yelled as he grabbed Russia's ankle. However, the latter country's leg was so cold England's hand froze off. "Sweet Pub 'n' Go, how are you so fucking cold! That shouldn't even be possible!"

At this moment, Flying Mint Bunny's fat ass decided to become effective, causing the ice under England's feet to give way, sending him into the dark lake below.

"Curse you Flying Mint Bunny!" England bubbled. "When I get resurrected as a corpse-like entity, there will be no more magic carrots for you!"

Flying Mint Bunny simply stared back into the lake, unable to do anything, for his creator had granted him no hands, but simply nubbins.

**xXx**

Belarus and Russia ran towards the quickly departing train, which was apparently heading towards Paris. Belarus easily jumped onto the train, and held her hand out for her brother to grab.

"GRAB MY HAND, BROTHER!"

Russia really didn't want to grab Belarus' hand, but he decided it would be best if he at least made a pathetic attempt to run towards her.

"Ah, I can't… uh… reach you?"

"NOOOOOO!" Belarus dramatically screamed as the train pulled away even faster from the station. It disappeared from view over the hill. Russia stopped running and smugly smiled to himself.

"Well, that was easy. What should I do now? Maybe I'll find some sunflower see-"

And Russia was immediately bear-shark-lasered.

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


	2. Chapter 1: Journey to the Kremlin

A/N: The song parody in this chapter is "Journey to the Past," and yes, you can sing my parody along with the actual recording. Every song in Anastasia will be parodied in this fic, just fyi. Have fun kiddies!

**~10 Years Later~**

Spain, the orphanage owner, opens his mouth -stained with the red of a thousand tomato skins- to speak to Ivan. "So, I know its sort of cruel kicking you out with no memories of your past or things like that, except for that bizarre pendant you have… But I'll be frank with you-"

Ivan glances at the pendant he's had before he can remember. Every time he looks at it, he can feel shaking waves of rage emanating from it. MARRIED in Paris, indeed. However, he still was curious to who would want to marry him in Paris.

"-Now that you're legal, I've completely lost interest."

Ivan waves goodbye to the orphans he's spent his conscious life with. The orphans silently stare back. A cold chill falls over the building.

"Thank goodness I still have Romano. Anyway, you really creep me out Ivan, so I guess I have to make you leave. I got you a job driving my churro van down by the river. It doesn't have any windows and it's painted a complete, grungy white. There are some handcuffs and a couch with a mysterious stain on it that should be used with discretion. Oh, and it's not really a churro van."

Spain glances around in a shifty manner. "Make sure to tell the kids you pick up that there are lots of free churros at the orphanage! And free too, if you do a little favor for Uncle Spain."

He winks suggestively. Ivan closes his eyes and wished he could forget the memories. Spain closes the gate after him.

"Adios little Ivan! Have a bueno tomato!"

He throws a tomato after Ivan. It lands pathetically in the snow. Ivan steps on his way out, not looking back at Uncle Spain, who cries silently.

**xXx**

Ivan wanders the snow, coming to a fork in the road labeled, "shady van river" to the left, and "Paris" to the right. He stares at the sign, then sits on the snow in a huff.

"Huh, I do have this amulet that says, 'MARRIED in Pairs,' but do I really want to get married? But the other option is that job… Um, I'd rather not. Although those churros _were_ pretty good… Oh, I don't know what to do! Great Vodka in the sky, please give me a sign!"

At that moment, the snow under him began to talk.

"Ahhhh! You're sitting on meeee! Would you please get off!"

Ivan was very amused that the snow was talking to him and decided to reply.

"No, Mr. Snow. My butt feels nice here. Besides, I'm waiting for a sign to show me where to go!"

"Just… Just go to the river!"

"Okay! Paris it is then!"

Ivan then stood up. The compacted snow he was sitting on gave a stir and broke away, exposing a very pathetic looking boy-country hybrid. Ivan was amazed and began to talk to the child.

"Oh! You're not snow at all! What's your name?"

"L-Latvia…"

"Well, you'd better come with me then! We don't want to leave you alone with Uncle Spain's vans now do we?"

"Um… I-I-I'd rather no-"

"Hehe, lets gooooo!"

And Ivan yanked on poor Latvia's sleeve, sending the boy into a pseudo-racist song parody with him.

Journey to the Kremlin

Heart don't fall out of me now

Kolkhoz don't capture me

Don't go back to the Romanovs!

People always say

'Russian history is dark'

No one ever mentions cannibalism!

Or how everyone is good at gymnastics!

On a journey… to the Kremlin!

Somewhere down this road

I know someone's waiting

Sleepless nights just can't be wrong

Hands will claw at my soul

I'll be threatened by knives?

Finally home where I'm frightened

Well, starting now, I'm learning Bolshevik

On this journey… to the Kremlin!

Home, love, family

There was once a time

I must've had them too

MARRIGE, MARRIGE, MARRIGE

Why can't I get those words out of my head?

One sickle at a time

One hammer then another

Who knows where this road may go?

If I get hungry

I will start a fire

Maybe I'll cook Latvia?

Yes, let him taste good

Let vodka be the seasoning

Let it help me find my past

And bring me home

At Last

**xXx**

Ivan and Latvia approach the train station in St. Petersburg, looking for a ticket to Paris.

"Wont this be fun, Latvia? We're going to ride the train!"

"Are… Are you really going to cook me?"

In reply, Ivan grabbed the small boy tighter as he approached Austria, the mole-clad ticket master.

"Hello, may I please have a ticket to Paris?"

Austria frowned, his prissy beauty mark moving with the shape of his mouth.

"Pardon me sirs, but don't you mean two tickets?"

Ivan smiled happily at Austria's mole.

"Oh, no. Latvia is my dog."

Ivan turned to pat the boy on the head.

"Ah! You're-You're crushing my skull!"

Austria and his mole found it best to continue on.

"Alright, may I see your travel visa please?"

Ivan stared blankly at Austria. Austria and his beauty spot could feel themselves getting very cold from this stare and they had no idea why. This sudden change in mole temperature made Austria extremely angry. He lashed out at Ivan uncontrollably.

"You are a moron! You have made me want to play Mozart for hours upon hours because of your travel visas! How does that make you feel?"

Without waiting for an answer, Austria slammed the ticket door shut, taking his mole with him.

"Can… can we go home now?" whispered Latvia as sounds of Symphony in E flat drifted through the shut window.

Latvia never got a reply however, as he was interrupted by a very ditzy blonde… man? … Yeah, a man.

"Like, who're you? Do you guys like, need like, what, now, what, travel papers?"

Ivan replied to him happily.

"Yes we do! Can you help us?"

The man -who is obviously Poland if you didn't get that already- answered Ivan.

"Uh-huh, like, totes. I, like, knoooooow this like, guy, like… I really know him. Like, super well. Like, **SUPER WELL**. Anywhos, like you and like need these like paperthings to yeah. So like, go to him to like, stuff cuz I couldn't y'know cuz I'm pretty. And you like kinda totes creep me out, so like, totes, whatevs, just go there!"

Latvia stared at him in confusion.

"W-what did you just say? I didn't understand a word of that!"

Poland propped his hands onto his pink miniskirt and gave Latvia a look of disgust.

"Sorry, I don't speak _dog_. PONIES."

And Poland turned and flowered away. Ivan tugged on Latvia.

"C'mon then, lets get going to find this Lithuania person~!"

"Wh-what! Where did you get that name from! H-how did you pick out anything that that man said!"

And Ivan and Latvia made their way to the old, abandoned, Russian palace.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	3. Chapter 2: In the Dark of the Night

A/N: This chapter contains parodies of "Once Upon a December" and "In the Dark of the Night" so load up your Anastasia soundtrack and sing along!

**xXx**

Ivan and Latvia opened the grand doors of the forgotten palace, and galloped in like Poland might have done if he were still in the story. They walked into the grand entry hall, a mysterious bloodstain under what looked to be a punch bowl. It seemed to sparkle in many colors, although Ivan did not know why. But it made him angry.

He looked around absentmindedly, and saw a map of the Russian Empire. This inspired him to sing a song. He pushed Latvia out of the way, and began to twirl around the ballroom. Latvia cried. At this point -he realized- there was no escape.

Once Upon a Boob

Bouncing breasts

Sharpened knives

Things I almost remember

And a phrase someone screams

MARRIGE MARRIGE MARRIGE

Bosoms graze across my cheeks

Unicorns always wreck parties

Eyebrows wiggle lurkfully

Upon that pussy's face

(singing kolkolkol with the melody)

A pipe in hand keeps her away

She's always scratching at the door

Melons save me from that bitch!

TTIIIIITTTSSSS

Why did I, think of that?

I'm really not that sexist…

Women are people too.

But only in the kitchen.

And a phrase someone screams

MARRIGE MARRIGE TITS

"What are you doing here? And you why are you singing about unmentionables?"

Ivan wheeled around, his yellow dress fading into his gray (or brown or whatever fucking color it is) coat. He was face-to-staircase with an awkward and unexpectedly normal looking man and his blond –and far more attractive- heroic comrade.

"Are you Poland's friend?" Ivan asked innocently.

"Yeeeah, Poland's 'FRIEEEEND,'" The blond man chortled, while elbowing the brunette in the ribs. Lithuania coughed.

"Yeah, that's… that's… us. Friends."

Ivan smiled. The room became three degrees colder.

"Good. I'm Ivan, and this is my dog."

"H-hi," barked Latvia.

"I'm Lithuania, and this is-"

"I'M AMERICUH. FUCK YEAH!" the bespectacled champion yelled, while shoving a hamburger into everyone's mouth.

"W-w-where did those come from?" asked Latvia, confused at the sudden explosion of _meat _into his mouth.

America glanced down. "Sorry, I don't speak dog." Latvia cried.

Ivan patted the puppy on the head. "Anyways, I need your help. I need to get to France, Paris. I heard there's a wedding? And I think I have an invite… or a necklace? I'm not… quite sure…"

America gasped in realization. Lithuania looked at him, and then realized what the sex machine was thinking about. And it wasn't hamburgers.

"We heard a rumor in St. Petersburg that although the Czar did not survive one country may be still alive!" Lithuania seemed to sing.

"The country of Russia!" America seemed to sing back. "I think there might have been a song about it, but we didn't have enough money in the budget to pull together a choreographed number."

Ivan looked mildly annoyed at the two. "Can you help me or not?" he kol'd, stroking Latvia roughly. Latvia cried later.

Lithuania nervously replied, "Well, we do have an extra ticket to Paris…"

The hero agreed. "And you do look a hellavuh lot like that map on the wall." He pointed to large poster of the USSR hanging over yonder. "Maybe you could help us? Some crazy bitch is going to marry my bro here as her second choice, and he don't really swing that way, so we need a replacement!"

Ivan looked confused. Lithuania coughed.

"Um, yeah, she's looking for the country of Russia, and you can go to Paris if you pretend to be him!"

"Okay! That sounds nice!" said Ivan. "If I'm in Paris, I can find my family! And maybe I'll get my own bride!" Ivan's gut instinct told him not to do this, but like many other things, he ignored it. Latvia cried.

"W-w-well, if you only have one ticket… I guess I'll just go home."

The freedom-loving pioneer stopped Latvia in his tracks by scratching his ears. "Wittle doggies dun need tickets!" he cooed. Putting a leash on Latvia, he turned to Lithuania. "He thinks he's a person! Ha!"

Lithuania coughed.

**xXx**

Unbeknownst to them, a mint-colored rodent had been watching the whole exchange. Could he be the same bunny from earlier? "My heart says yes but my head says no!" yelled Romano from the orphanage.

The rabbit was sitting in what appeared to be a very furry nest, but was actually a bunch of caterpillar-esque eyebrows. Suddenly, they started to glow, and smell like tea. They started to fly into some hellhole that for some reason existed in this palace. Having nothing better to do, Mint Bunny floated after them calmly. All three of them ended up in a scone-encrusted cave planet. Following a trail of Earl Gray, they came upon a far less hairy nation.

"Ohhh, if only I had my eyebrows!" England moaned, throwing a hand over his forehead like a damsel in distress. He noticed a green blob in his peripheral vision. "Is… Is that you Flying Mint Bunny! And you brought my eyebrows! Oh how I adore thee!"

In response to the affection bestowed upon it, Mint Bunny ate a carrot. England was delighted. He slapped his eyebrows back on in pure excitement. They looked rather lopsided, but then again, his eyebrows never looked quite right.

Using his regained eyebrow powers, he began to read the rabbits mind. Mint Bunny shifted uncomfortably.

"WHAT! Russia is alive! By The Queen's knickers! How can that be! I am in such a tizzy, that I must sing a song!"

Flying Mint Bunny hopped away, as he did not like chorus lines.

In the Dark of the Night

[ENGLAND]

In the dark of the night I was stirring some tea

And the scone that I had was as bad as can be -

It scared me out of my wits -

The people around me were Brits!

Then I opened my eyes

And England was...me!

I was once the most powerful pirate in Europe.

When they slaughtered my friend I pirated Green Day.

I tried so hard not to cry…

But one little tear got away!

Mint Bunny, Wake me when

September ends!

[IMAGINARY FRIENDS]

In the dark of the night tea reigns supreme!

In the dark of the night vodka will burn!

Aah...

[ENGLAND]

Revenge will be sweet

[ENGLAND AND FRIENDS]

When the curse is complete!

[ALL]

In the dark of the night

[ENGLAND]

Busby will come!

I can feel my eyebrows becoming sentient!

Straighten my tie and gay everything else!

All the campiness falls into place

Hey Russia, lets play Uncle Spain!

Dasvidanya, Ivan, now you're Romano!

[IMAGINARY FRIENDS AND EYEBROWS]

In the dark of the night he'll be sucking-!

[ENGLAND]

On a churro we mean!

[IMAGINARY FRIENDS AND EYEBROWS]

In the dark of the night England will cook.

Nooo!

[ENGLAND]

Soon he will know that meat pies are real.

[ALL]

In the dark of the night

[RASPUTIN]

He'll eat gruel!

[IMAGINARY FRIENDS AND EYEBROWS]

In the dark of the night

England will find him

Find him!

Ooh!

In the dark of the night faeries will find you!

Pixies!

[ENGLAND]

Russia, you'll be mine-

[ALL]

Belarus, get in line!

[ALL]

In the dark of the night...

In the dark of the night...

In the dark of the night...

[ENGLAND]

Come my children,

Fight for your mother,

Let your magic kill!

Find him now,

Yes, fly ever faster

[ALL]

In the dark of the night...

In the dark of the night...

In the dark of the night...

[ENGLAND]

He'll be mine!

England paused, listening to the remnants of his absolutely invincible tenor voice echo throughout the cavern. A thought occurred to him.

"Maybe I have feelings for this fellow? Well, I guess my sexuality is no longer in question. CRACK PAIRING!"

And he blasted off in an explosion of butterflies.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	4. Chapter 3: Look Canada! You're a Star!

A/N: The song parody in this chapter is Learn to Do It. Do what exactly? FIND OUT IN THIS CHAPTER!

**xXx**

Ivan sat on the train to Paris, gazing longingly out the window. Latvia was above the seat, in a kennel he was far too big for. Suddenly, with a jarring chord of God Bless America, the Hero burst into the train car. Lithuania followed.

"Hey! Ivan! They were giving out free white yogurt on the train! We brought you some!"

Lithuania held out a container. It was called 'German Macho Yogurt.' Ivan knew it was legit, because it featured a burly, blond, super studly German.

"Uh, yeah. I tried some, and it's really warm. And it's kind of salty and sticky and doesn't really taste like vanilla at all. Do you want any?"

Ivan shook his head. "No, that's okay. Only Italians eat that kind of yogurt anyways."

"Did you bring me any yogurt?" Latvia cooed from the upper shelf, but no one responded.

Ignoring their pet, America held up the **red** plagiarized tickets they were using to get to Paris. "Only a hero like me could procure these beauts!"

"AWESOME ME HAS THE MOST AWESOME TICKETS!" They heard from the hall. America glared out of the train cabin and found himself face to back with a shady looking albino and a little bird. He appeared to be talking to his reflection in the mirror.

"OH MY GOSH. I am so fucking awesome, I'm fucking Prussia, bitches! Look at these tickets! They're awesome! And **blue **too! I would even call it… **PRUSSIAN blue**! Which is the most awesomest color! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!"

The bird chirped in agreement. America paled. As the white-haired man walked away, the hero swore he could hear "Wow, West makes some pretty good yogurt! Maybe I should share some with France! He's a big yogurt connoisseur."

America burst back into the cabin with an expletive of stars and stripes. "Guys, we're in trouble! EVERYONE, I WILL SAVE YOU! To the baggage car!"

He threw Ivan over his shoulder and rocketed out of the room. Lithuania followed with the bags. Latvia was forgotten.

"Guys? G-g-guys! Um, woof?"

**xXx**

"Alright train," England said. "You're going down."

**xXx**

Ivan sat down in the baggage car. He looked around. "I feel like we're forgetting someone… da?"

"No." said Canada.

America shivered at the unknown presence and looked around, frightened. "No… No. I got my bros. We're all here."

An ominous voice echoed throughout the car. "Busby's… Chair…"

"Who said that?" asked Ivan, not really caring, as he went through the passengers' bags.

"I dunno," said Lithuania, who hasn't spoken in a while. He leaned out the window. "Um, there's a piece of furniture on the tracks. It looks like a chair."

"Oh, well someone better move it. It'll get run over," Ivan said, ripping a pipe off the wall. "I always wanted one of these… It called to me…" Lithuania gaped at him.

The train barreled forth, approaching the demonic chair. The iron wheels of death promptly crushed the devil's throne into demon dust. Busby's soul was now free.

"Wow," said America, chewing on a hamburger. "That was anti-climactic. I was expecting us to get kicked off the train. With fire. It would have been heroic."

"I was prepared to walk in the snow for hours…" Lithuania sighed, disappointed. "Now you wont get to sing your song, America!"

"Naw, we can do that right after the chapter break! Pass me some of that vodka, broski!" He gestured to Ivan.

**xXx**

"Augh!" England clutched at his heart. "Busby's chair… did nothing! H-how? Russia… Russia is too much man for me! But I _need_ him! Flying Mint Bunny, what should I do?"

Flying Mint Bunny simply stared.

**xXx**

"Since I'm going to be pretending to be this Russia person, shouldn't I know a bit about his history?"

"Hell yeah!" America fist-pumped. "I got an A+ in history! I'll teach you!"

Lithuania frowned. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea…" But America was already singing.

[AMERICA]

You were formed from Moscow's Grand Duchy.

[IVAN]

Moscow's Grand Duchy?

Could it be?

[AMERICA]

Yeah, bitch!

You drank vodka when you were only three.

[IVAN]

Alcohol? Me?

[AMERICA]

And the vodka...

[LITHUANIA]

Straight up!

[AMERICA]

Behind your smile you terrorized the world!

[LITHUANIA]

Beat them with a pipe!

[IVAN]

Was I kind?

[LITHUANIA]

… Nevermind.

[AMERICA]

But you would stop when you heard your sisters boobs!

[LITHUANIA]

They were very large!

[AMERICA]

Your sister's awesome rack!

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

We've lots and lots to teach you and the time is going fast!

[IVAN]

All right...I'm ready!

[AMERICA]

Now, shoulders back and kol kol kol

[LITHUANIA]

And don't just stand but try to loom.

[IVAN]

I feel a little foolish.

Am I looming?

[AMERICA]

Well I'm scared!

[LITHUANIA]

You give a smile.

[IVAN]

What happens now?

[AMERICA]

The room gets colder for a while.

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

Most of all remember this:

[AMERICA]

If I can learn to do it, you can learn to do it.

[LITHUANIA]

Something in you knows it -

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

There's nothing to it!

[AMERICA]

Meet my vodka challenge, drink by drink!

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

You can learn to do it too!

[AMERICA]

Now, napkin tied around your neck

[LITHUANIA]

And never chew the hamburgers!

[IVAN]

I never cared for hamburgers!

[AMERICA]

… What.

[LITHUANIA]

The pioneers.

[AMERICA]

The apple pie.

[IVAN]

Are you sure that's correct?

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

We read it on the web, bitch!

[AMERICA]

If I can learn to do it

[LITHUANIA]

If he can learn to do it

[AMERICA]

You can learn to do it!

[LITHUANIA]

You can learn to do it

[AMERICA]

Pull yourself together

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

And you'll kol through it!

[AMERICA]

Tell yourself you're Russia

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

And it's true!

You can learn to do it too!

[AMERICA]

Next, you must memorize the names of the family.

Now here we have Denmark

[LITHUANIA]

Loved Norway

[AMERICA]

In the Botkin.

[IVAN]

Oh…

[AMERICA]

And dear old uncle Spain loved his children

[LITHUANIA]

Get it, Ivan?

[IVAN]

NOOOOO!

[AMERICA]

And Veneziano-

[IVAN

He was...?

[LITHUANIA]

Useless!

[AMERICA]

And Germany-

[IVAN]

He made... ?

[LITHUANIA]

Yogurt!

[AMERICA]

Creeper Sweden

[LITHUANIA]

Ikea was his life.

[AMERICA]

I hear he has a little wife.

[IVAN]

And I recall when I stabbed him with a knife!

[AMERICA]

I don't believe we told him that. (That's not even canon!)

[IVAN]

If you can learn to do it,

I can learn to do it!

[AMERICA]

Don't know how you knew it

[IVAN]

I simply knew it!

Suddenly I feel like KOLKOLKOL...

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

Ivan, now you're scary too!

[IVAN]

If I can learn to do it

[AMERICA AND LITHUANIA]

You can learn to do it!

[IVAN]

You can learn to do it.

[AMERICA]

HACK COUGH HACK MEEEATTT

America began choking on his hamburger, abruptly bringing an end to the song. After an impromptu Heimlich maneuver from Lithuania, the eagle from above gave Ivan the thumbs up. "Well, I guess we're here! Let's take the boat to Paris!"

They all shuffled out of the car, and headed towards the lost baggage claim. Looking around for nothing in particular, they saw a familiar-looking kennel.

"H-h-hey… Help… H-help me…" Latvia yelped. "I've been in here for days… D-days. I'm… I'm so hungry."

Lithuania and crew ran over to the neglected dog.

"Awwww, poor wittle puppy-kins," cooed America, sticking a hamburger through the metal grates. "We'll let you out naow." He opened the door, and like a peep in a microwave, Latvia expanded out of the small cage.

Lithuania was slightly disgusted. "Hey Ivan, you should take better care of your pets."

Ivan didn't really hear the boringly normal nation, and instead, he kol'd to Latvia. "You'd better not run away again. _I worry about you._ WHo KnOwS WHat WoULd HaPPen!"

Latvia cried in fear. America was ecstatic. "Hey look, Lithuania! He's looming! It worked!"

The trio marched proudly onto the boat, remembering Latvia this time.


	5. Chapter 4: Ha! Dogs Can't See Colors!

A/N: Since my co-author and I are off to separate colleges, this means that we will possibly be updating at a slower pace. But that's okay! The song parodied in this chapter is that song that Vlad sings that no one cares about. HAHAHA load up your playlists, bitches!

**xXx**

The galloping group of gallant gobblers got on the boat. "I'm on a boat, motherfucker! Everybody look at me!" said Sealand, who was dead at the moment. The group walked to their cabin, Lithuania nervously hiding a bulging package.

"What's that you got in your pocket, Lithuania?" Ivan asked.

"Are you just happy to see me?" quipped America, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"What? No!" objected an appalled Lithuania. "_Mine_ isn't square shaped! Jeez, what shape do you think it is?"

"It can be any shape you want, baby!" America suggested suggestively. They ignored him.

Lithuania whipped out his package. He held the still warm present out to our favorite communist protagonist.

Ivan looked at it with disdain. "There's not more yogurt inside, is there?"

"No, no. Just open it."

Ivan unwrapped Lithuania's package with tender and loving hands.

"Not too rough!" Lithuania cried out.

"Don't worry," smiled Ivan. "I'm used to handling packages. I did this all the time at Uncle Spain's."

Ivan finished his duty as a man and was rewarded with Lithuania's love gift. "Its… an overcoat," he turned it around. "With a map of Russia on the back."

"Oh," Latvia barked. "I-I-I thought it was going to be a-"

"HAMBURGER!" America shouted, his mouth full of patriotic meat patties. Lithuania proceeded to interrupt their fiasco.

"I thought you could wear it and always remember who you're supposed to be."

"Okay," shrugged Ivan. And then they went.

"MEAT." America yelled to the heavens, addressing the God of Meat, Germania.

"I look like Legolas," replied Germania.

Then they danced.

**xXx**

America stared longingly at the ocean while his Old Glory cape billowed in the breeze and his knee was posed like Captain Morgan. Lithuania tried to ignore the symphony of Stars and Stripes Forever that was playing, as he waited for Ivan to emerge from the depths of the dressing room. As soon as we wrote that, Ivan scuffled up the stairs, his Russian map-coat dappled with communism.

Lithuania stared in awe. "That color looks really good on you, Ivan."

Ivan kol'd in delight and blushed like a Poland. He then looked down at himself. "What color _is_ this coat, exactly?"

"Its red!" woofed Latvia. But dogs can't see colors, so that was a lie. Shut up Latvia.

America guffawed and clapped his hands together like a mammal of the sea. "Dance for me! Dance for my pleasure!"

Ivan wasn't about to agree, but he was rather fond of the Stars and Stripes Forever, so he thrusted into a frightened Lithuania and proceeded to twirl him around the deck of the boat. America sang.

[AMERICA]

Awww skeet skeet skeet and suddenly-

He wants it in his pants.

He's in a coat, and on a boat

And man that bitch can dance

He got on his feet

And I gave him meat

And helped him tap dat ass

America, call Hungary

She won't believe I did this

She will want to film them dance

Lithuania looked into Ivan's eyes romantically. "You're not as scary when you dance," he said, leaning forward for a diplomatic meeting of tongues.

"Oh, I'll work on that," replied Ivan, hitting Lithuania with a pipe.

**xXx**

They sat in their cabin, Lithuania lying on the ground, unconscious. Canada handed America a white and long piece of fabric.

"Whoa! Where did this piece of fabric come from?" shouted America. "Oh, this is some cloth Lithuania had. It's probs a handkerchief for someone with a really big nose."

Ivan took the elongated cloth and looked at it curiously. "No, I don't think it's a hanky. I think it should go around your neck…"

"Hahaha, that's stupid!" said the glorious red, white, and blue angel of the universe violently. "Why would you put a warm, soft, vertically stretched knit piece of fabric around your neck? Its totally a handkerchief."

Ivan sighed. "You're probably right." And so, they collectively floated off to dreamland.

**xXx**

Ivan "awoke" in the middle of the night and looked around. He appeared to be in some sort of famous-looking coliseum. Maybe in Rome, we're just guessing here.

"Am I in France?" asked Ivan to himself. He then saw a boy/girl/gender-neutral chibi thing sweeping the floor. "Hey you! Become one with me!"

The apron-clad gender-neutral pronoun became frightened and ran away.

"Come back!" Ivan yelled, and charged after 3rd person personal pronoun. He then came upon the child's unusually handsome grandfather.

"Come join us!" chortled Grandpa Rome, gesturing to him and Chibitalia. "Do you want a tomato?"

Ivan shook his head. "I don't like tomatoes."

"But you're Romano, aren't you?" asked a confused Grandpa Rome. Ivan made a disagreement noise. "Oh yeah, Romano got picked up in a van by the river a few years ago. He hasn't come back yet, so he must be pretty happy. Why are you having this dream, Ivan, if you're not related to us?"

"Balls!" yelled England, whose shoddy plan was ruined. In a rage, he turned the dream into a fiery hell. Ivan felt infinitely more comfortable.

**xXx**

Meanwhile, Latvia was out on deck, trying to hide his dog-tears in the sudden rainstorm. He looked over and saw Ivan on the railing of the boat, about to jump off.

"O-oh. H-h-he must be sleepwalking. I-I guess I'll t-t-tell Lithuania he fell off… N-no big loss…"

At that moment, Ivan decided to take leave of the scorched hellfire and awaken. He looked over at Latvia.

"What are you doing up here without a leash on?"

Latvia can only bark in response.


	6. Chapter 5: The ManCat

A/N: Sorry for the slow updates, college is taxing. The song that is parodied in this chapter is "Paris Holds the Key (To Your Heart), so load up your playlists!

**xXx**

They got off the boat. "I'm still on the boat!" Sealand yelled. Because he was dead. And could not get off.

"This is already a crappy chapter," yelped Latvia, as America punched him in the face.

"Dogs don't talk," replied Ivan, as he punched Latvia in the face.

Feeling guilty about not doing anything, Lithuania punched Latvia in the face. The group then realized that they were in France.

Looking towards the sky, the angel of freedom put his hands on his hips. "Gosh, it's been so long since I've been _inside _of France."

"It's all so nice we can be _inside _of France together," huffed Lithuania.

"Even the dog is _inside_ France," said Ivan.

"I haven't had this many people _inside_ me since the Napoleonic Era!" said France.

"Alright dudes! Lets penetrate deeper into Frances' vital regions to find my friend!" proclaimed the god of liberty.

And then they went.

**xXx**

America patriotically knocked on the classy door. A man in a kimono and his large man-cat answered the door.

"Herro," said Japan. "Prease come in."

America bro-fisted Japan. Japan was not enthused. Ivan and Lithuania walked in like normal nations. Not like Latvia. Not like dogs.

Latvia turned to the giant man-cat. "H-help me!" he whined. "They treat me l-l-like a dog! I-I-I'm even growing a tail!" he pulled on it for emphasis.

"Meow," meowed Greece man-cat. "I am a cat."

And he padded away into the kitchen.

Latvia cried.

**xXx**

"Wourd you rike some tea?" asked Japan, taking out the China.

"Clink, aru," clinked China-teapot. "I am a teapot, aru."

They all nodded. "I wirr pour some," agreed Japan, polishing China's spout.

The "Lithuania is my Bitch" duo proceeded to sip their tea happily, while Lithuania was appalled at being called a bitch.

"Yum," said Ivan. "This tea is delicious."

"Ew, this tastes a lot like German yogurt, except less manly," cringed America, cleaning the salty tea-substance from his lips. MMMMM.

"You have passed your first test. Onry Russians rike Chinese tea."

Ivan looked up happily, as he had already swallowed all of the warm liquid from the China.

"Okay, now for the questions," Japan began. "Do resbian rramas rike rava ramps?"

Lithuania appeared confused, but was far too polite to interrupt. Ivan contemplated.

"The lesbian llamas only like lava lamps if the lovely leopards have liked the lonely lava lamps first," answered Ivan.

"Onry a true Russian knows about resbian rramas and their rovery reopard ronery rava ramps. Rava ramps."

"… The fuck?" asked America politely.

"RAVA RAMPS."

**xXx**

Meanwhile, Belarus and the Boobs were interviewing candidates for Russia.

"**I love ice cream**," grunted Cuba, as he smoked a cigar.

"YOU'RE NOT RUSSIA, YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE RUSSIA. GET OUT OF HERE."

"**We're both commies, it's fine**," he grunted, as Belarus threw her knife at him. "**Don't make me go missile crisis on yo' ass…**"

Belarus collapsed into a chair. "LET ME REST MY HEAD UPON YOUR PILLOWY BOSOM, TITTY-TITTY-BANG-BANG."

"No."

Belarus did anyway. "I WILL NOT SEE ANYMORE RUSSIA'S TODAY. I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH!"

Then they blasted off into the sky.

**xXx**

"I aporogize, but judging from the hore in the ceiring, they seem to have brasted off aready. However, they are going to the Itarian opera, performed by the Nordics."

"Okay, cool," said America. "LETS GO SHOPPING!"

France Holds the Zipper (To Your Pants)

Estonia:  
Lovers  
Aerith:  
Rah rah ah...

Japan:  
Wercome my friends to Paris  
Here have a condom on me  
Forget where you're from  
You're in France  
Chirdren, come  
I'rr show you that French joie de vivre  
France hords the zipper to your pants  
and arr of the sexy radies dance.

Estonia & Aerith:  
You can more than two  
Down what we call an orgy

All:  
And soon all France will be singing to you  
ah ah ah...  
Roma...  
Ro mah mah...

Australia:  
France holds your Herr Stick in his hands.

Herr Stick:

Belgium:  
There's chocolate everywhere

Hong Kong:  
At the Moulin Rouge

South Korea:  
The Koreans did it first!

Germany:  
Can I have some wurst?

Spain:  
When you're feeling blue  
There's Romano to do

Romano:  
When your head says no,  
My pants say go.

Spain/France/Prussia (Can Can Girls):  
When you think you can't,  
you'll find you can can  
Japan:  
Everyone can can can

Japan & Bad Touch Trio:  
You can can too  
Ga ga...Ooo...La La

Lithuania:  
France holds the zipper to his pants  
Yes, Russia, I found you at last  
No more pretend,  
you'll be gone, we're not friends

Lithuania:  
Please don't see me ever again

Ameri-whale:  
HUURURRRHHUHHHH

Tony:  
FUCKING LIMEY.

Gil-Bird:  
And forget all your woes

Japan & All:  
The city of right

France:  
Where a rose is a thong

All:  
And one never knows what's under it  
France holds the key

Lithuania:  
to his ...

Japan & All:  
Junk!

Japan:  
Ooh ra rah...

All:  
RAVA RAMPS

They all bought dresses. Except Japan, who bought a rava ramp.


	7. Chapter 6: And Then There was Iceland

A/N: As depressing as it is, there are no songs for this chapter, but there is a footnote. That's almost as good, right? RIGHT?

**XXx**

They walked into the Italian themed opera hall, decorated with Nordic memorabilia and rava ramps.

"This chapter is purely expository," cried Latvia. "It's piloting towards a climax, which will be followed by the denouncement, which means 'untying the knot' in French, leading towards the-"

Ivan punched it. "Stop it Latvia, dogs don't break the forth wall."

They sat in the theater box. Since there were three seats, they all sat awfully close. Latvia was on the floor, because chairs are for people. Not dogs. Suddenly, America's eagle vision was obscured by a ghostly blonde presence, and the sexy melting pot of sex vat felt a warm pressure upon his thighs. America was worried the presence was spirit France, but when he felt no hand upon his lordly junk, he was okay with having this phantom on his lap.

"Can I borrow your opera glasses?" whispered Canada, as loudly as he could. America didn't respond, because America doesn't talk to strange phantoms in operas.

The curtain opened. Upon the velvet draped stage of fornication, two moistened and well-oiled bondage-clad blondes stood upon the floor. The tall Swede was tied up like a pretty bonnet on a young girl's head in Sunday school. In the Finnish lad's hands was a whip that was as course yet gentle as the whiskers upon a pastor's cheek. The opening strums of the overture to 'bow chicka bow wow' began in time to the crack of Finland's whip.

"Is this a German opera?" whispered Lithuania.

"No, I don't think so," said Ivan. "Only Italians star in German operas, da?"

Then the cast began to sing. How'er, like any good adult film, the voices of the actors were dubbed.

"Oh my stars," said Denmark, dubbing over Sweden's apostrophes. "There are plenty of other things to use a whip for, like fishing! Don't take out your anger upon my bosom!"

"Aye," said Norway, who apparently thought Finland was a pirate. Iceland didn't say anything, because he wasn't in this story.

"I think we should go and get crumpets and tea," sang Denmark loudly, to cover the moans Sweden was making as Finland doused him lovingly in candle wax.

Norway didn't say anything, because he missed his cue. In a panic, Denmark shouted, "CANVAS BAGS CANVAS BAGS TAKE YOUR CANVAS BAGS TO THE SUPERMARKET ALL THE FELLAS IN THE HOUSE COME ON AND LET ME HEAR YOU SAY 'CANVAS-***'"

No one responded, except for Canada, but no one listened. The opera ended with an explosion of man-fireworks.

Not wanting to feel uncultured, America commented, "That opera was really good!" Even though he could not see it because of a ghostly mass of blonde and polar bear in his way. Lithuania stared at the angel of liberty in horror.

Ivan nodded. "I thought so too, da?"

"I think it needed more tentacres and rava ramps," said Japan, who was apparently seated on Lithuania's lap this whole time.

"Whoa!" Lithuania gasped in surprise.

"I rike your knee. A rot."

**xXx**

Meanwhile, elsewhere inside France (it's big in there)….

"You're the best- **drum beat** –around! Nothin's gunna ever keep you down!" sang England in his underwear. He suddenly stops, then turns around to face the fanfiction. "HEY! YOU! You're early! I'm not even supposed to be in this chapter! LEAVE!"

And then there was a page break.

PPPAAAAGGEEE BREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK

"Werr," said Japan. "We'd better go to see Berarus and Cindarera-Boob."

Lithuania agreed.

"Okay, I wirr go and check on the rovery radies."

Japan walked walked out of the room room, counted to twenty, and walked walked back inside.

"I sincerery aporogize, but Berarus doesn't want to see anymore Russias today. And Sreeping-Boobie had no comment."

Ivan was sad. The theater got cold. A wind picked up and blew his horizontal strip of fabric away from wherever the hell he had it. It blew across the floor, and landed on some large tracts of land.

"HEY BOOB-AHONTAS, WHATCHA GOT THERE?" screamed Belarus, as she ripped the cloth off of Ukraine's chest. Belarus gasped. "THIS IS-"

"My horizontal fabric strip that I love!" cried out Ivan, who had somehow teleported to the sisters.

"WAIT… YOU… DON'T… DON'T YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?"

Ivan stared dreadfully at her. "Is… Is it a cape?"

Before she could respond, he tied the fabric gallantly around his neck.

"I know who I am! I'm… I'm… The Holy Roman Empire! Italy! Italy! I didn't forget you! I'm coming back, da!"

**xXx**

"Did someone say my name?" asked Germany.

"Ve~ Germany, why are you talking? I want more yogurt."

"Oh, okay," grunted Germany, as he passed the bowl of yogurt across the breakfast table.

**xXx**

"WHAT. NO." commented Belarus. "THAT IS A SCARF YOU IDIOT. YOU'RE FLIPPIN' RUSSIA, OKAY?"

"Oh, okay," said Ivan, as he put on what was apparently a scarf this WHOLE TIME. Who would have thought? As he did so, his eyes filled with the hatred of ten thousand socialist communist fascist Satans.

"I remember…" whispered Russia. "Everything. Why didn't you tell me I was Russia, Lithuania? WhHyyYYyyYyyyYY?" He loomed over Lithuania.

"Oh wow!" America commented, amazed. "Ivan, you're looming perfectly!"

"Shut up, you capitalist pig."

And then America started the cold war. Belarus then proceeded to interrupt the missile crisis.

"NOW WE CAN BE MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED ."

Russia shrugged, "Well, okay, as long as I can bring my dog."

"B-b-but I'm not a do-" Latvia's sentence was cut short when he realized he was a dog. He had become a dog. Like Nekotalia, but not shitty.

And then the next chapter happened.

* * *

***Footnote: The song that Denmark sings is entitled Canvas Bags by Tim Minchin. It once appeared upon a Denmark FST, and it has been wreaking havoc on our minds- as we are trying to figure out how the hell canvas bags relate to Denmark. If someone knows, please, for the good of all humanity, leave your explanation in a comment to how Canvas Bags could be in an FST about Denmark.


	8. Chapter 7: Flap Flap Flap

Chapter title: In Which There is a Wet T-Shirt Contest

Alt. Titles: Flap Flap Penis, Why Was Estonia Never in This?, Can You Find the Pokemon References?, Who's That Pokeboob, or Who's That **TIT**?

* * *

In preparation for his wedding, Russia was doing what all Russian men do: sitting naked on the floor and dousing himself in vodka while playing Pokemon.

"Yeballnick," screamed a drunken Russia. "This game keeps shorting out. It's all Gary Oak's fault."

At that moment, there was a loud rumbling outside his door (a boob rumbling as one might call it) and Ukraine shimmied into the room. Russia looked up in annoyance.

"Whadda want Hitmon-tits?" he kol'd in displeasure.

Ukraine replied to him, but he could not hear her over the momentous moaning mammaries.

"I can't hear you Boob-asaur."

"You're naked!"

Russia was silent for a minute, and then threw vodka on Ukraine in response.

"Boob-ikarp used splash! But nothing happened…"

Ukraine attempted to fold her arms over her cartoonish, vodka-covered lady lumps, but failed. Because she is Ukraine. Her boobs are mountains.

"You should leave while you still can," said Nip-achu. "You have time to get out before you have to marry Belarus! The most fiendish of all fiends! She's wearing a necklace made out of knives for gods sake!"

"HEY TENTA-CLEAVAGE," screamed Belarus from the kitchen. "GET BACK HERE WITH THE HOT GLUE. I HAVE TO FINISH MY ARTS AND CRAFTS BEFORE THE MARRIAGE MARRIAGE MARRIAGE."

Ukraine shook Russia wildly and whispered, "Get out, get out!"

Russia shrugged and grabbed Ukraine's pom-poms. "Gotta catch 'em all Pokeboob."

At that moment, Lithuania opened the door.

"Russia! I'm here to rescue yo- Oh god ew this is some incest porn isn't it, I didn't think this was one of _those_ fanfictions ew I'm going to… leave… now…" And Lithuania slowly backed up and ran towards the garden maze the Russian family happened to have.

"Wait!" Russia screamed, running towards the door. "I'm coming with you!"

The communist country ran out of the building, flappy parts flapping in the breeze. Flap flap penis.

He chased Lithuania into the garden, until they ended up on a bridge. And guess who was waiting for them! The dreaded eyebrow himself… England.

"Hello, chaps," said England, with his accent.

"Hello," said Russia, as he smiled in more than one place.

England turned his eyes away from the smile of Russia's nether regions to say, "You're so physically breathtaking; I want to ravish you where you stand. But I also want to kill you. I cannot decide between those two options (for they are the only ones). Mint Bunny! Transform! Do my dirty work for me!"

The sailor moon theme started playing as Mint Bunny began to sparkle in a half-naked way. Mint Bunny's body morphed and transformed, until it revealed it's true form: Uncle Spain, ten stories tall, clad in Sailor Scout regalia.

"Moon Tomato Magic!" yelled giant Sailor Spain, causing it to rain tomato sauce over Lithuania and Russia.

"… That did nothing," said England.

"But now I can eat them," giggled Sailor Spain, causing the city to have a minor earthquake. "Let me swallow you whole!"

As Spain's mouth opened to admit the two lubricated men -and as Russia and Lithuania felt certain doom- Canada shouted from below.

"Look Sailor Spain! A Catholic boys school kneeling in prayer, without a parent or guardian!"

Sailor Spain turned with excitement, forgetting the task at hand. "Is there room between your legs for me?" he shouted, bounding off in the direction Canada pointed.

Canada had taken this precious distraction time to load his maple syrup gun and squirt it violently at England's voluptuous eyebrows.

"BLAAAUURRGGHH," screamed England, clawing at his sticky face. "Now I cannot gaze upon the throbbing Putin of the Holy Roman Empire!"

"I'm Russia, bitch," said Russia, double fisting England in the face. The sticky syrup caused England's eyebrows to fasten upon Russia's knuckles, ripping them unceremoniously from the tea-sucker's face. England howled in pain.

"Flap… flap… PENIS…!" he cried, disappearing into the abyss.

Russia gazed at his newly hairy knuckles, sparkling with magic. "I guess my fists are magic now. You were so quick with that maple syrup, Lithuania. I didn't even see you squirt it."

"I was quick, wasn't I?" quipped Lithuania. "I didn't even notice me squirt it either."

Canada wept (John 11:35).

"I guess we should get married now, da?" Russia kol'd in anticipation, in the direction of Lithuania.

"Actually… I'm going off with Poland. Surprise!"

"Like whoa ponies," Poland said, appearing.

"Yeeeaaah," shrugged Lithuania. "I guess this is actually a Poland and Lithuania fanfic, contrary to popular belief."

"Lets, like, go Liet," squeaked Poland, and they toddled off happily.

Russia stared after them, then returned to the castle, naked and covered in tomato vodka. When he got back to the palace, War-TAT-le informed him that Estonia had married Belarus in his absence because Estonia needed a cameo.

"Well Latvia," commented Russia, kicking Latvia in the side. "It's just you and me now, because you are a dog, and I am your master."

"Bark," barked Latvia, who could no longer speak in human language. He wanted to scream, but could not.

And theirs was a friendship to last the ages.

The End.

* * *

Stay tuned for the final chapter: A Nice Chapter for Latvia. Coming soon to a theater near you!


	9. A Very Nice Chapter for Latvia

A Very Nice Chapter for Latvia

**IMPORTANT NOTE**: An alternate, sexy middle part of this chapter can be unlocked by scrolling to the bottom when you see the *****'s. It's an optional bonus feature though; you don't have to read it.

**NOT IMPORTANT TL;DR AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Thanks for reading everyone! We loved reading your reviews and comments. Stay tuned for our next Hetalia movie parody: Pocahontas (we haven't figured out a catchy title yet) starring America and England, and another fanfiction, which consists of a bunch of one-shots involving Germania x everyone. Again, thanks for reading, and we hope you enjoy this bonus chapter for Latvia (since we were so mean to him in Russiastasia).

* * *

The sun shone bright, and Canada went to visit his very special friend, Latvia.

"I brought you some hot dish, eh," said Canada, to Latvia, who was not a dog.

"Don't you mean… casserole?" smiled Latvia, chuckling wholeheartedly. They laughed for a bit and sat down to a luncheon of casserole, pancakes and tea.

"My, this is quite noodle-y," said Latvia, in delight.

"I got the recipe from the Italy brothers," replied Canada, twirling his hair. *****

"I'll be sure to send them a thank you note then," giggled Latvia. They finished their dinner without incident and had a nice conversation about their feelings. They parted ways, and Latvia spent his days gardening and reading poetry.

"Oh," thought Latvia. "How glorious it is to be human!"

The End.

* * *

**BONUS MID-SECTION**

And then Latvia shoved the dishes to the floor, and climbed on top of the table like a tiger.

"What else did they give you?" the shoulder-pad-clad and pedobait boy suggested suggestively.

"Tomatoes," said Canada, unbuttoning his pants.

"Good," growled an underage Latvia, as he ripped open his own shirt.

And then they fucked like bros, and got maple syrup allll over them. And Latvia liked it.

**CONTINUE READING WHERE YOU LEFT OFF**


End file.
